Entry #5: Reflections

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the choice laid out before me. To be rid of Heartland and its incessant enemy versus Heartland becoming even more real. As far as the difference between the two men I have to choose between, one seems concrete and promising, the other surreal and dangerous.

Last night I actually dreamed twice of something other than Heartland, although I know the dreams were related to the place. In the first one, I found myself at college on graduation day surrounded by a large group of friends, most of whom I did not really know. I also had a boyfriend. They were all congratulating me as I held up a letter with a job offer from an esteemed company. My parents surprise me further with a graduation gift of a trip to Europe.

In the dream I step into the restroom to fix my hair before the ceremony, but when I reach the mirror I freeze. My reflection stares back but it is separate from me. I smile at it but it refuses to smile back. I even lift my hands to my face to ensure I’m smiling. Still nothing. My reflection looks back sorrowful and depressed, like it deems the success of my life as nothing. It is hollow and empty, refusing to be comforted. And then I catch a brief glimpse of a collar around my reflection’s neck, a chain of bondage leading off into the darkness behind my reflection.This dream is followed by another one which in comparison is much more realistic. Again, I am at college with a few close friends. We’re in someone’s apartment sharing a meal and talking about life after college. Truthfully, I don’t know what I will do or where I will be after college. I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to splash water on my face, hoping to relieve some of my anxiety.

My reflection in the mirror above the sink, like in the last dream, does not mimic my own. This time, instead of anxiety, my reflection seems peaceful and hopeful. It even genuinely smiles at me, as if trying to encourage me. I rub my eyes and try to see beyond my reflection. Behind is a path I recognize from Heartland. And in the middle of the path stands the man of light.

I know they were only dreams but they weigh heavily on my mind. Is getting what I want here and now really a form of bondage? Are my earthly desires bad? And is not having what I want a reflection of a deeper contentment, having to do with the man of light?

Lots of people in the world have what they want and seem perfectly happy, yet I know I only catch glimpses into their lives through windows too often smudged by my own prejudice. Where and who are the truly content, and what brings them peace and hope? I can’t help but think that it has to do with the man of light.

And so that’s it. Peace and hope are far better than having everything I want. And I wonder what the man of light can do in my Heartland. So I will choose the man of light. I am sure to dream of Heartland tonight.